I feel very weird and helpless right now…and I hate even admitting that.

I should be beyond feeling like this…yet I feel wretched. It could also be because I haven’t slept properly, but I don’t feel good.

And all of it has to do with the apps. They make me feel inadequate, and as if there is something truly wrong with me. Stephen didn’t want me…and none of these guys are particularly responsive. I don’t understand where I’m going wrong…or if I’m doing anything wrong.

I also can’t confide in anyone about this. My friends are so…bullheaded. Like, no one wants to help…no one checks in. It’s all very…useless. Maybe one day I can express that I’m mad…or that I’m upset that they literally don’t reach out…

The ideal situation is that I become petty and don’t tell anyone anything about myself…and act like a robot. I’ve done that with a couple of friends, where I don’t divulge any detail about myself…or if I do–it’s very calculated.

Maybe that’s what it is. I’m hurt and upset. In return, I paint this perfect picture of myself…or rather, “perfect”…

Stephen is like smoke…from a cigarette. He’s there…he’s visible…for a second…and then he disappears. Without a trace.

I honestly have such low self-esteem when it comes to guys…I feel at the rate I’m going, I will probably be grateful that a guy has noticed me. How do you get over that fucked up mentality. Obviously, I am snotty when it comes down to it…but still. I give weirdos chances.

Why has my vocabulary not changed from the time I was 15. Why has my narrative not changed?

Why do I treat myself so insignificantly. Why do I miss him. Why why why.

So many questions, and no answers.

I don’t know what will come of anything in my life. Either I’ll die. Or…something.

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Sometimes I feel like I’m living such a uselessly hedonistic lifestyle.

What am I contributing to the world? How am I helping anyone beyond my own selfish means?

I’m highly upset because I have not met my fundraising goal as of yet, and I feel like I’m failing…and I need to not fail. I need to succeed and exceed everyone’s expectations.

Otherwise…what am I doing in life?

Fickle

It’s been quite a while, and honestly, I forget. I journal more so than anything, and I feel writing out literally is more personal, but sometimes this is more convenient.

I’m 30.

It sounds so weird. But, I am.

Nothing much has changed, except I want to dig in my heels and throw a tantrum every now and then. I’m trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong and how to fix it. Like, if someone could just produce a key and unlock this mystery for me, I would be ever so grateful.

I feel better when I write down action steps, and approach things that way.

If I were to write Things I’ve Learned, it would be:

  1. Friendships are transient.
  2. It’s hard to not talk shit…so be careful who you trust.
  3. Everyone, including yourself, is two-faced, so proceed with caution. Try not to inflict damage on people.
  4. Once you accept the absence of certain people in your life, it gets easier.
  5. It will also be lonelier, but it is what it is.
  6. Some friends will stay. Others will go. You will make new friends…and others will be present.
  7. Stop being friends with people whose names start with S. There are too many Ss.
  8. Also, don’t date guys who wear glasses, and whose names start with S. Terrible things will ensue.
  9. Your relationship with God and Islam will be tested constantly. You have to persevere.
  10. Sometimes, even well-meaning people will lead you unintentionally astray.
  11. Deliberating when to cut people off is easier with some, excruciating with others.
  12. Islam is what Islam is. Don’t compare it to other things.
  13. Maintain high standards.
  14. Don’t be so neurotic.

Labor Day Weekend

I haven’t written in a while.

Tim quit. Or maybe he was fired. Who knows?

I’m reporting to K now, who has her own list of pros and cons.

I worry that she may be similar to Thidaporn, but I need to remember not to fall in with gossip, and formulate opinions on my own.

Yes, she can be irritating, but is annoyance that bad…or does she have bad intentions?

Anyways, Eid was this past Friday and I woke up late-ish, 11 am or so. Watched 2 eps of BotWG, then went downstairs and made shakshuka. We didn’t have tomatoes, but it turned out pretty well.

Afterwards, I did a honey-and-sugar scrub, which always leaves my skin smooth. I took my time getting ready, and watched Happy Endings while doing so.

I’ve turned into Penny. Or I am Penny. I don’t want to be Penny. The Single Girl.

We went to the lake, where we took pictures, then afterwards, had lunch in Evanston at this place called Ya Hala Inn.

Then…we went to Devon and had falooda. Devon depresses me.

Saturday, we enede

Troublesome

Lots of troublesome thoughts.

I keep thinking of him. And how it’s my loss. I cannot get past it. I keep thinking I’ve lost out, even though there was evidence to the contrary. Why?

I admired him a lot. I thought the way he lived…the way he did things…the way he carried out tasks was so neat and…desirable. I liked him and everything he did. Like, I can see him being successful, and I want him to be successful. I don’t want him to fail. It would only make me sad.

Yet…I wonder if he thinks of me at all. I sincerely doubt it. Why would he? He was the one who left. Why would he miss me.

I don’t know if I pursue half the activities I pursue just to show him that I am happy…I don’t know if I really am…

August 27th, 2017

I  cooked twice today.

Made shakshuka. Then pasta.

I also properly grocery-shopped on my own. Usually, it’s to buy useless things, but this time, I did it fairly well.

Also, gardened for the first time ever. It was interesting, but I wasn’t able to shut my brain completely off.

I started watching the Bride of the Water God, and I find the main actor incredibly attractive, although he’s young. However, the girl playing opposite him is about 27 years old…so it’s fine, I guess.

Anyways, the 2nd lead gardens avidly on the show, so it was cool seeing that, since it dispels the notion that it may be a lame activity. He says that it’s good to tire out the body, to distract the mind.

I will have to remember to water the plants regularly…

A moot point, as it’s currently raining heavily outside.

Since you’re supposed to make dua when it rains…

Oh Allah,

Please ease our worries. Please protect us from sin, and greed, and evils of the world.

Please keep us safe and with our families.

Please let me meet the man I will marry. Please let it be an encounter of my own accord. Please let him be everything I want in a man. Please let him be tall, good-looking, have a good heart, be a practicing Muslim–someone who will help me become a better Muslim, who will be a good son-in-law, a good brother-in-law, someone who will love me and respect me, someone who will take care of me and protect me. Someone who will be the father of my children. Someone who I will love and respect. Some who I will support and cherish. Please let him love me and cherish me and be all that I want in a man, and that I can do the same for him. Please let him come into my life now. Now.

Please.

And I pray for all my single friends. I pray for them because I know it is painful and lonely to be single, so I pray they find good guys too.

Allah miah, I pray to you in desperation. In this odd manner. I will pray Isha soon. But please, Allah miah, listen to my heart’s desire. Please let me meet the man now. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

I am scared because I don’t know where I will find him. I honestly cannot picture any viable situation and it frightens me. Please let me get married before I turn 30. Please let me be in a committed, halal relationship before Z’s wedding. Allah miah please.

How can I show you how much I want this? Please guide me and tell me.

Please.

August 23rd, 2017

A year ago to this day, I went to a friend’s birthday dinner.

Now we’re barely friends.

A year ago to this day, I had one week off before starting my new job.

Now, my boss is leaving.

I don’t even like him that much…but I feel sad.

He was phased out.

I wonder what this will mean for me.