I feel very weird and helpless right now…and I hate even admitting that.
I should be beyond feeling like this…yet I feel wretched. It could also be because I haven’t slept properly, but I don’t feel good.
And all of it has to do with the apps. They make me feel inadequate, and as if there is something truly wrong with me. Stephen didn’t want me…and none of these guys are particularly responsive. I don’t understand where I’m going wrong…or if I’m doing anything wrong.
I also can’t confide in anyone about this. My friends are so…bullheaded. Like, no one wants to help…no one checks in. It’s all very…useless. Maybe one day I can express that I’m mad…or that I’m upset that they literally don’t reach out…
The ideal situation is that I become petty and don’t tell anyone anything about myself…and act like a robot. I’ve done that with a couple of friends, where I don’t divulge any detail about myself…or if I do–it’s very calculated.
Maybe that’s what it is. I’m hurt and upset. In return, I paint this perfect picture of myself…or rather, “perfect”…
Stephen is like smoke…from a cigarette. He’s there…he’s visible…for a second…and then he disappears. Without a trace.
I honestly have such low self-esteem when it comes to guys…I feel at the rate I’m going, I will probably be grateful that a guy has noticed me. How do you get over that fucked up mentality. Obviously, I am snotty when it comes down to it…but still. I give weirdos chances.
Why has my vocabulary not changed from the time I was 15. Why has my narrative not changed?
Why do I treat myself so insignificantly. Why do I miss him. Why why why.
So many questions, and no answers.
I don’t know what will come of anything in my life. Either I’ll die. Or…something.